To Be Honest

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about me being a single mother. My how that gets to me at times. Its a hard thing, The only time I ever truly get to myself is when Jay is fully asleep for the night- which is usually at 9PM- 10PM and by that time I am so exhausted. I just think about how sweet it would be to just have that extra little help, you know? Oh how I think my sister's are all so blessed to be able to have a partner to offer a helping hand to them. I mean don't get me wrong, I love being able to give everything I can to Jay and to be the one to hold the fort down. I love knowing that I could do it on my own BUT I am only human and sometimes I can't help but to long for that partnership. Lately, I've been having a lot of gentlemen callers asking to go on a date but I can't bring myself to even be remotely interested in wanting to go out. Maybe because as a mother you begin to think more in depth when it comes to other people and their intentions and at times I feel like these "men" (using the term VERY loosely) don't understand that my son is a part of the package. There is times where my mind wanders off into Jay's father and how thing's could've or maybe even should've been. Would I have been as happy as I feel on my own? Would he even be helping me out? Would thing's be better or worse? Then, it hits me.. No one will make me happier than what I make myself. I do miss being able to do some of the thing's I use to but trust me when I say I wouldn't trade the life I have NOW to the life I had THEN. Now I know what unconditional love truly is, I've never been closer to GOD, and I have so many aspirations for Jay and I's future. I have so much more drive and I'm so thankful to not be the person I use to be. I'm so thankful because my son became my purpose to live, my son became the reason I was able to walk out of a bad relationship. My son saved me, he saved my life, he saved my sanity- my son made me want more out of life and for that oh goodness I am forever thankful. My son made me put a value on myself, my relationships, he made me mature, he made me better, and he made me want better but I have to thank GOD for it all because without him, I wouldn't have such a perfect little soul. Thank you Lord! And thank you all for taking the time to read this LONG post. xoxo